Wonderland

 

I've been leading a double life.  

I am a cancer patient. My diary is filled with oncology appointments, chemotherapy sessions, meetings with surgeons, dates for blood tests and genetic counselling sessions. I see several different doctors at three different hospitals.  I regularly speak with my breast nurse and sometimes my GP. 

I am also a busy girl who teaches classics, cycles a little and tries very hard to keep up with friends and family.   Summer 2012 seems to be the time to get married and I seem to have been invited to every party.

 I've travelled up and down the country, seen beautiful things and spent time with lovely people.

I've been to cycling events, supported friends and tried to be as active as possible. This makes it hard to reconcile my two lives.  After my last chemotherapy I thought I was dying.  My body felt like it was crumbling and I couldn't imagine being well.  This week I was back teaching and everything continued as it usually would. I felt fit and healthy and forgot the dramas of the previous days.

My alter egos collided in Richmond Park last weekend.  I warmed up as normal, made it to the startline in perfect time and pushed off.  My heart rate seemed to be exactly where I wanted it and yet I knew there was something wrong.  I wasn't the progress I knew I should. I was cycling in slow motion

There is no hiding from it; my cancer life seems to have the upper hand. I was nine minutes off the pace. 

But I'm still riding a bike. And I'm still smiling.